People on Facebook are the same. Everyone waits for “Likes” to define them, and no one likes to read about other people’s misery.
Which is why I always put up a strong front. Only show people the happier side of life. Only show people positiveness, the good, strong side of me.
I don’t know where to go when I am weak and miserable… I don’t know who to tell… People don’t like negative people, miserable people. And I want people to like me.
That’s why I am here, hiding by myself. And this is what I have been dying to say:
- I am miserable
- I am exhausted
- I am stressed
- I am poor
- I am weak
- I am scared
- I am ugly
- I am vulnerable
- I am lonely
- I am crumbling
I hate those words. Negative words. But for once I just want to be negative, I want to feel sorry for myself.
I have always tried to see the beauty in everything, and I mean everything. I have always tried to be positive, be strong, or at least I pretend to be, because deep down I am not. I type encouraging words to myself, on Facebook, because I crave for encouragement and praise.
It is not that I want a gold star for every single thing that I have done, but now is not the time for me to think positively. On this rainy night, I am alone, and I want to say “Poor me”.
Because I am tired of being strong.
Just for tonight, before the blinding sun shines again in the morning, I want to cry and be miserable, and be the weakling that I always am, deep inside.
Why is this so hard…
People always discourage the feeling fear for change. But, it is true, deep down, everyone fears change. We are just too proud to admit it. Inside, we are all cowards. We are all selfish.
I remember that beloved quote, the one by Emerson Roy West that I have adored for so many years…
“Courage is not the absence of fear; true courage is manifest in bravely doing what has to be done in spite of fears or foes or the foolishness of the crowd or the taunts of the group. True courage is doing the right thing in spite of the odds or opposition or apprehension.”
I know that I am showing courage. I know that I am bravely doing what has to be done in spite of my fears. I know that I am doing the right thing in spite of the odds and apprehension.
But I do not enjoy it. It is exhausting.
I feel so tired, but I cannot give up… I have to do it.