I wish… I wish.
Sometimes I feel that I do not even really know what I am wishing for.
Why do I feel that my life now is in such a ‘temporary’ state, nothing is going to be long-term?
I could not imagine the future. Everything seems so uncertain and foggy.
I feel so tired.
Sometimes you have to walk away to prove that you are worth more
But how many of us have the courage to walk away from something we really want?
I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it. – Audrey Hepburn
How do you show your
Affection
Passion
Love
Tenderness
in this fast-paced digital world?
The world now.
Everything is fast. Everything is shiny. Everything wants to wow.
You fall one step behind and suddenly you find people telling you that at the age of 26, that you do not have enough time, you do not have enough experience, you do not have enough prospects, you are not enough. There is too much to do, too much to achieve.
You are told to minimise feelings, minimise affections. Emotions are a sign of weakness, you have to toughen up.
The world now.
You are told to step up your game. You tell yourself to step up your game.
You are told to run. There is no time for andante, no time for cantabile, the world prefers vivace, is impressed by agitato.
You stop social-media and newspapers for one day. Suddenly you are a decade of information behind. Everyday there is a new trend, a new style, a new topic. You struggle to chase up, but also find yourself waiting for certain things.
You crave for attention and affection, but you hide it. You tell people that your life’s pursuit is success, wealth, luxury. You feel that needing affection is petty, is child-like, is naive. You try to be a strong person, but really you are just a giant tree with a hollow trunk, and no one needs to know.
The world tells you nothing is possible without money. Without money you are worthless.
What has happened to you..?
You were fine all along, just as you. No chasing, no keeping up, no pursuits, no kissing-ass.
It is okay to walk, to sing, to slow down. It is okay to not be liked by everyone, it is okay that the world does not understand you.
It is okay to not know everything that is happening.
It is okay to try your best and fail to be the best. It is okay to try and not go well.
It is okay to live with not a lot of money.
It is okay to show affection, and to crave for it. It is okay to want love.
I just finished reading The Time Traveler’s Wife and realised that books could still make me feel emotional.
I have been reading a lot lately – other than the TTW, I read Water for Elephants, The Night Circus, The Help, The Fourth Queen (reread), the whole HP series again, as well as the whole Narnia Chronicles, again.
Other than those which I reread, none of them seem to be happy stories. I just finished flipping the last page of The Time Traveler’s Wife and my heart feels so heavy. Why are these best-sellers bittersweet… more bitter than sweet…? Is it because only sad stories would provoke strong feelings and thoughts?
Clare spent most of her life waiting. Henry spent all of his life trying to stay.
Looking at Clare’s bravery, suddenly my problems seem trivial, miniscule. If she could try seven times before she finally has Alba, then… Then surely I still have time… Yes, all in good time. No point rushing along life just because of how other people think you should live it.
I just unwrapped my next book – Haruki Murakami’s Norwegian Wood. I love the Beatles song from which the title was derived, I sang it with a choir in Sydney, it brings back nice memories. I have a feeling that this book would be a sad one as well, but if Clare can face a lonely life waiting, surely I can survive a book?! But not tonight, I’ll start it tomorrow, maybe.
I cannot help feeling so deeply for the characters. When I open a page, I go into their world. I live as them, I smell what they smell, see what they see, eat what they eat. Just like The Night Circus, for a fortnight I lived in the circus , I travelled with it. I could taste the caramel popcorn. I could see Marco’s notebook in a messy office. I could feel the candles on the Wishing Tree. I saw the fantastical and mysterious clock at work. Even for some moments I was Celia.
Finishing the book was like stepping out from a lucid dream that I have lived my whole life. Finishing a story feels like finishing a life. It is melancholic yet sometimes brilliantly exhilarating, but it is exactly why I love reading, I would just love to read and read and read and read and read and read and read and read and read… Let my emotions be challenged, be provoked.
I am a big girl now.
Like the only thought that made Henry and Clare keep calm and carry on, I have to remember – Always again.
That’s true…
If -contrary to your hopes- something did not happen now, there’s always again.
Just remember.
Always again. Always.
“May you never steal, lie, or cheat, but if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows, and if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life, and if you must cheat, then please cheat death because I couldn’t live a day without you. Cheers!”
- Leap Year movie, 2010.
Thankful for this one additional day.
One additional day of living
One additional day of thinking
One additional day of learning
One additional day of dreaming
One additional day of giving
One additional day of laughter
One additional day of love
One additional day of you
“What is it? My dear?”
“Ah, how can we bear it?”
“Bear what?”
“This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?”
“We can be quiet together, and pretend – since it is only the beginning – that we have all the time in the world.”
“And every day we shall have less. And then none.”
“Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?”
“No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere.”
~ A. S. Byatt, Possession
People talk about ‘forever’ a lot. But life on Earth is short.
Grownups talk about ‘routines’ a lot. But routines make you do the same thing over and over again.
During which, time passes by.
And everyday we shall have less
We live in a time where time is scarce. No one has enough time anymore. No one has time to spare, to spend, to ‘waste’ on what they presume is unproductive.
Recently I heard from a special someone: “What is ‘timeless’? In some ways it could almost mean being stagnant…”
To be timeless is to be able to withstand the test of time.
But, could things still be timeless in a time where time is less?
Maybe in some ways it is nowadays easier to be timeless, since there is always not much time and therefore not much to withstand?
As Groucho Marx puts it: time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Have a jolly good time.
No matter how much fear you have of possible hurt that life will throw at you, always give it
A little bit of hope
A little bit of faith
A little bit of chance
Truth be told, no matter what you do you cannot stop pain from occurring in life, always give it
A little bit of trust
A little bit of desire
A little bit of love
You really don’t need much, a little bit is all you need.
Amen
“… Not if you can’t help it.
It is impossible to control your emotions when you truly fall in love, but that kind of situation is very hard on everyone involved, and the whole thing is very painful for everybody.
So, since everybody is suffering it’s better to follow your heart and do what’s right for you than to live with confusion”.
“When you are young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun.
Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious.
You could break a bone, or a heart.
You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all, because there’s not always someone there to catch you.
And in life there is no safety net.
When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”
